Off the Shelf Media

I never thought of myself as a masochist. Then I started playing Dark Souls: Prepare To Die Edition. Turns out, I quite enjoy frequent abuse with the occasional splash of victory. 

Difficulty is the top billing in the Soulsborne category that FromSoftware invented. Limited health, long stretches between checkpoints, enemies appearing as if from nowhere, and absolutely brutal boss fights. You’re right, that doesn’t sound fun at all. Except that it’s an absolute f*cking blast.

Elden Ring takes this frustratingly brilliant style to the open world, a place called the Lands Between. It’s big, it’s varied and strange. Stuff and enemies are hiding everywhere, especially where you least expect it. I can’t say that enough, you get knocked off of cliffs constantly. It’s the best game FromSoftware has put out to date, and frankly, one the best games of all time. 

Gameplay: 2

Where to even begin with a game like Elden Ring. You fight things. Some weak things, some strong things. Tons of enemy varieties. The boss fights are incredibly varied and challenging. You’ll die a lot. I’ve got 500+ hours of Soulsborne experience, and I die a lot.  There are a metric ton of weapons and magic, and pretty much all of them are viable with the right build. Giant club, status effect, magic rock throwing, throwing knives, whips, bows. Crazy blood katana? Sure. Double torch poles? Why not.  The possibilities are endless. Difficulty scaling is perfection and provides a natural flow between areas for players new to the genre. Or the “there’s no such thing as under-leveled” challenge for wily vets like myself. The Lands Between can be conquered any way you want. Easy to learn, difficult to master. 

There’s also multiplayer, which includes random player-versus-player (PvP) invasions that could happen at any time. But I tend to avoid it because the strategies and metas are very different than whatever weird player-versus-everyone (PvE) thing I’m trying to do at the time. Plus, the people who invade tend to do it a lot, so I always get smoked. I don’t have time to learn it, but a lot of people love it. 

There’s co-op, but it has way too many limitations. 

Now for the folks with a Steam Deck: Oh boy is it verified, no tinkering required. 35-40 fps in the overworld, 50-60 fps in caves/interiors on low. 3^rd person non-shooter that lends itself well to controller sticks. Rear buttons are fantastic for dodging, sprinting, and cycling through equipment while keeping your thumbs on the sticks. I’ve only ever played it on my Steam Deck (outside of using my PC for higher res screenshots for this review). 

Story: 2

Several studies were done on my intelligence, none of which were conclusive. But that doesn’t really matter, because no one can realistically claim they have any fucking clue what’s happening or why in Elden Ring. Sure, you can take an inordinate amount of time to analyze the few lines of super weird and mysterious dialogue, and maybe it makes sense. But it doesn’t. And it doesn’t make sense in the best way. You don’t question your motivations, you’re there to bash absolutely every person, monster, or turtle (Behold, dog!) that gets in your way. It’s obtuse by design, and done very skillfully. Or not, I’ve got not clue. There are a bunch of different endings for people that are into that kind of stuff. But to me, the lack of information about what’s happening is part of the mysterious charm. 

Atmosphere: 2

Graphics are nothing to write home about, but the art direction is flawless. The Lands Between are very strange. It’s definitely dark and depressing, which makes slaughtering your way through it more palatable. It’s a massive world with nooks and crannies everywhere to be explored, and you’re rewarded for checking out all of them. Not all of the rewards might be worth it, but there’s almost always a glowing item of some sort as a thanks for your inquisitiveness. Poison castles, volcano mansions, giant dead tree, underground rotten lake, foot deep lakes, underground dream city, time travel sky fort, I could keep going forever. So many cool and different places to explore. You’re alone in a bizarre evil place. Everything wants to kill you. The bads news for everything is that you want to kill it too. 

Duration: 2

A perfect example of “as long as you want it to be.” I spent a little over 100 hours on my first playthrough, but I’m a completionist. I steamrolled through new game plus (NG+) in 30 hours. The only thing stopping you from marching straight to the final boss is that you’ll be hopelessly under-leveled. A skill issue.

Value: 2

The game is priced at $59.99 time of review, same as at launch. It’s worth every penny. It’s on sale semi-regularly for ~$45 for the patient gamers among us, but if you’re looking for something to play, you won’t be disappointed paying full price. And I’m just talking about a single main story playthrough, probably worth even more considering it has robust multiplayer and an NG+ option. I’d call it a buy at pretty much whatever they’re asking for it. 

Total Score: 10/10

As a rarity, Elden Ring lived up to the enormous hype train. Unlike you when you play it, you’ll die a lot.